This Depression is Kicking my Butt

healthy choices, mental illness awareness, personal reflection

1892332bb249dedc6f5319bf1cdd831bDue to med changes and brain chemistry alignments, my depression has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

This is the kind of depression that I had when I was first diagnosed, and just getting on medication. So, it’s ugly and angry. And all I can do is keep fighting. It’s a silent battle. One I don’t like to talk about because it makes me feel weak. It’s a battle that is raging in my head while on the outside I seem… fine.

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Popular Myths About My Depression

mental illness awareness, personal reflection

51232429I’m feeling a little down today, and was thinking about a lot of the things I’ve heard in one way or another regarding my depression.

These are the most popular.

You’re anti-social. When I don’t say hello, or smile, it’s because I’m running the entire confrontation through my mind first because I’m nervous. By that time, usually the time has passed.

You’re always sad. Not sad, just thoughtful. 99% of the day I’m running past or present scenarios through my mind. It’s like a replay on repeat 24/7. So, if I’m not smiling, it’s not because I’m down, it’s because I’m in thought.

You’re so morbid. I like to think I’m realistic. As a depressive, I see things and experience things as they are, and can usually read between the lines of everyday niceties. I’m positively negative.

You never do anything. I actually do do things, it just might not be as much as you. That’s because I need time to myself to refuel, not because I don’t want to do anything with you.

You never smile. I do smile, somedays more than others. Again, usually I’m replaying interactions that have happened or will happen through my head.

You drop off the face of the earth. It might seem like that, but it’s actually because there’s too much pressure. When I don’t tweet, post, or text for a while, I’m just recharging.

You just sit in the bedroom all day. Most of the time, that’s because it’s my safe spot. I have control over the light, the environment, and what happens in it. I love other spaces, just not as much as I do my bedroom.

God, you eat a lot. Yep. It’s my comfort zone when I’m down. And… I’m working on it.

Do you struggle with depression? What are the most common things you hear? And how do you react to them? We’re in this together, let’s talk about it together!

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Meet Me @ My Mat

healthy choices, new endeavors, personal reflection

I love yoga. I also love Jesus. 

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Nothing against the beliefs that many yogis cultivate at all, I just don’t roll that way. I’ll be honest, I tried, and it felt right for a while, but then the Holy Spirit began asking me to become focused on Him during my time on the mat.

So I struggled to find a balance between my religious beliefs and the yoga that I love so much. I finally found my niche. When I get on the mat, I don’t praise myself for getting on the mat, I praise God for meeting me on my mat.

I use the time on my mat as a prayer session. I use it to invite the Holy Spirit to meet me where I am and thank Him for the time together. Yeah, I know He’s always with me, but my mat time is a special time where we get to be face to face. If you’re looking for a good place to start, check out Caroline Williams Yoga YouTube Channel.

I’m gonna be real with you, none of this is right, or wrong, it just works for me!

What works for you?!
I’d love to hear how you deal with feelings getting in the way of things you love?

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The Real Stuff

creative writing, personal reflection

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It all started with a stick.

My father-in-law reminded me today how important it is to experience the ‘real stuff’ of life. These days while I have my smart phone glued to my hand and melted to my eyeballs, experiencing life is so important. What is life, I ask?

How I Make 8 Hour Days Work with My Mania

creative writing, featured, healthy choices, mental illness awareness, personal reflection
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Mania and eight hour days don’t mix. Then again, neither does introversion and going out to lunch with friends. So, I’m stuck!

That’s what I used to say. Since switching meds, and having to relearn how to manage my time at work, I’ve come across several things that have helped me get through.

What to Write When You Don’t Know What to Write

creative writing, personal reflection, successful failures

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Let’s start with the fact that I chose to:

  1. Get out of bed
  2. Breathe

Today I feel just ok. I don’t feel exceptional, gifted, or awesome in any form of the words.

I feel… ok. Normally, that would be just ok, just fine, just dandy. But, in my life, battling depression, bipolar, anxiety, and OCD on a daily basis, I might tend to think an ok day is much more than just ok.

5 Ways You May be in the Gray

creative writing, mental illness awareness, personal reflection

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Throughout my journey with depression and bipolar, I’ve realized 2 very important things. The extremes of life are where they (depression and bipolar) want me to be, but the gray is where I strive to be. I desire to exist in the gray, because that is the balance between the high of my mania, and the low of my depression. It’s a little like doing standing ‘flys’ on a weight machine, except you never let the weight go.

Bananas, Gatorade, and Water

creative writing, healthy choices, personal reflection

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If you’re here just for the freebies (no judgement if you are!) download them here:

3 Awesome Quote Phone Wallpapers to keep moving forward
One | Two | Three

I’m running a marathon. Twenty-six point two miles, 5.5 hours, just me and my thoughts. I put mile after mile behind me, and once I finish I realize, one of the most important keys to my finishing was the food and water stops. Sometimes it’s water, cold and refreshing. Other times, it’s Gu, a banana, or Gatorade. Regardless what was offered, in this race with just finishing as my goal, it was a place to rest, pause, accept where I was, and keep moving forward.

Today, I realized my life is a lot like that marathon. A struggle at times, numbness, joy, hope, at other times, the seasons of pause (much like the refueling stations), becoming ever more important to the forward movement of my life.

These pauses offer a time of reflection on what came before, and idea of where I’m going, and ultimately an opportunity for acceptance of where I am. These pauses are essential to forward movement, providing rest and refueling. At each pause becoming stronger, experiencing growth, and building my character.

I often ask myself ‘What’s the point of growing? Becoming older, wiser? Why be bold, why make mistakes and learn from them? What’s the point?’

The point is free will.

I am running (walking, sometimes crawling) this race any way. I choose to learn, I choose to grow, I choose to become better, and love more. I choose to make a choice.


What season of life are you in? How do you get strength to keep moving forward? I’d love to see your thoughts in the comments below. Use #bananas if you’re running your marathon every day.

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